Supporting Your Transgender Loved Ones
Luca Valentine, LMSW, is a non-binary, transgender social worker and founder of Resilient Wellness, a private practice focused on serving transgender, non-binary, and neurodivergent teens and adults, particularly those with eating disorders. With a background in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and lived experience as a queer and trans individual, Luca is dedicated to providing accessible care. They are also an advocate for trans rights, working to educate professionals and fight anti-trans legislation.
This blog is an adaption of the presentation Valentine gave to our STEP Family Support Group
Supporting a transgender loved one can feel overwhelming at first, especially if you’re unfamiliar with the complexities of gender identity and the transition process. However, creating an affirming environment is one of the most critical factors in promoting mental and emotional well-being for transgender individuals. When we take the time to listen, educate ourselves, and create spaces where trans individuals feel respected and valued, we are contributing to their overall sense of safety, belonging, and mental health.
Understanding the Basics of Transgender Identity
To begin, it’s important to understand that being transgender means a person does not identify with the gender they were assigned at birth. As Valentine explains, transgender is an adjective, not a noun or a verb. It’s a descriptor of someone’s identity, not an action or something that happens to them. This distinction is fundamental when engaging with trans individuals; their identity is a part of who they are, and respecting this identity through correct pronouns and names is an essential form of support.
Affirming language—using the correct name and pronouns—is one of the most basic, yet powerful, ways to support a transgender loved one. Valentine notes that using affirming language helps reduce emotional harm and creates an atmosphere of respect. Even when mistakes happen, the effort to respect a person’s identity matters more than getting it perfect every time.
Creating Safe, Supportive Environments
When individuals feel unsafe or unsupported, their nervous system reacts, triggering a “fight, flight, freeze, or fawn” response. This heightened state can make it difficult to connect with others or experience moments of joy. The goal isn’t to keep transgender individuals constantly in a calm, grounded state (the “green zone”), but rather to offer them moments of peace and connection, allowing them to feel seen and supported.
Transgender individuals, particularly adolescents, face heightened risks of mental health challenges. The suicide rate among trans youth is alarming, with up to 50% attempting suicide at some point in their lives. However, research shows that having a supportive home environment can drastically reduce these risks. Whether this support comes from family, chosen family, or even a workplace, the presence of affirming spaces makes a life-changing difference.
Navigating the Transition Process
Transitioning, whether socially, medically, or legally, can be a deeply personal and varied journey for transgender individuals. Social transition, such as using new pronouns or changing one’s name, is often the first and sometimes only step a person may take. Medical transitions, such as hormone therapy, are another layer, though they are not necessary for all trans individuals. Many transgender people experience a sense of “dissonance” rather than outright dysphoria, and their paths toward self-alignment may vary.
Asking respectful questions about the transition process, when appropriate, can open dialogue and offer your loved one the space to share their experience. Valentine emphasizes that curiosity, when expressed with care, can be a way to show interest and deepen your understanding.
Addressing Common Misconceptions
Misconceptions about transgender individuals persist, often rooted in outdated or incorrect ideas. For example, being transgender is not a result of not fitting in with one’s assigned gender, nor is it simply a phase or trend. Transitioning is not about seeking attention—it is a deeply personal process aimed at aligning one’s internal sense of self with their outward presentation.
It is essential to understand that transgender individuals face ongoing societal challenges. From gender-based sports bans to healthcare restrictions, these laws directly impact the mental health and safety of the trans community. For clinicians like Valentine, this often means damage control—helping clients navigate the fallout from hostile legislation and fostering resilience in the face of constant external threats.
How to Offer Support
One of the most important things you can do as a loved one is to hold space for your transgender family member or friend. Creating environments where trans individuals feel comfortable and respected is critical. This could be as simple as providing a gender-neutral restroom or using gender-affirming language in emails and conversations.
Additionally, advocating for trans rights, whether on a personal level or within your workplace or community, can help reduce the burden on transgender individuals who often bear the weight of these societal pressures alone. Even small acts of support—showing up at events, educating yourself, or speaking out against harmful policies—can contribute to a more inclusive and safe world for your transgender loved one.
Moving Forward with Compassion
Supporting a transgender loved one is not about perfection; it’s about showing up, listening, and learning. By creating affirming environments, using respectful language, and offering your unconditional support, you are helping to reduce the risks they face and promote their overall well-being. As Valentine reminds us, “It’s not about getting it right all the time…but helping them to glimpse moments of peace and connection.” This journey may be challenging, but with compassion and understanding, you can help make a significant positive impact in the life of your transgender loved one.